It's the end of the year and in two weeks my life will be changing, once again, though I won't go over the top and say it's anything dramatic.
This year has had its share of ups and downs. Two relationships that rocked me to my core, one more than the other. The end of a job I love and the end of a job I hate. A play, a life changing Georgia experience, a wedding, a divorce (both friends, not me), a number of surgeries on a tiny body, a true understanding of all consuming love (thanks for that Jude) and countless new friends and acquaintances.
I am usually rather somber this time of year, as yet another year comes to a close and I come to realize that at 33, I am no further along than I was at 23. I was getting ready for work this morning and started to think about how much younger I feel than my counterparts, and how different my life seems to be than it was even six months ago, and I realized that, no matter how I phrase it, there is one universal truth to my life: No matter what I have, or who I am, things can always get better, and they do.
This has been an incredibly tough year for me, and many of you have been a long for the ride. I know that a lot of people in my life have had the quizzical "WTF" look on their face at any number of decisions I have made, and I am grateful that I have been lucky enough to have so many wonderful people in my life, willing to gently chide me, but always diligently encourage me to go on.
I can only hope that 2011 finally brings me centering, peace and understanding of who I am and who I am supposed to be. If not, I hope it gives me at least enough good sense not to spew crazy all over my friends. Thank all of you for helping me through what I can only describe as the most difficult and challenging year I can remember in recent history, and thank you for always being there to care, to laugh, to smile, to share and to remind me that compared to the length of history and time, this year, well, it was nothing. May the end of this year bring new hope, new joys, new loves, new goals, new inspiration and new life to all of you. I wouldn't be who I am without you, and therefore, I hold you directly responsible. :)
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
It's been a long time since I have written
I decided recently to end a relationship that, to be quite honest, was subpar even on its good days. This is not to say that my heart isn't absolutely destroyed as a result of the experience, it is, but after weeks of agonizing over whether or not I was doing the right thing, a good night's sleep and a few sappy movies have really added a change in perspective that I wasn't quite prepared for, and made my somewhat dramatis personae a little on the embarrassing side.
To give a bit of a run down, let's just put it this way, in North Platte I am somewhat limited in my options for dating. The most recent disaster was several years my junior and while we shared a love of the stage and music, that's where our similarities ended. I have been on my own, in one form or another, for virtually the past sixteen years. He lives at home with his mom, the result of some rather questionable choices over the past two to three years. I have never been longer than a few weeks without suitable employment, he has spent, the better part of the last year working less than even part time. The list goes on and on but I am not here to disparage him, the truth is, in a lot of ways, he was the best relationship I have had in a long time, and I have to be honest, I have a feeling this heart ache will last longer than most. I am not looking forward to the days, weeks and even months that I will wander through life feeling like a total zombie and incapable of holding it all together. Right now, is a good and lucid moment.
One of the things that I find myself most likely to do in times like this is conquering new tasks and goals. I have been actively pursuing the job/career change track and have so far been somewhat unrewarded in that endeavor, however, that doesn't feel like a project taken on for me so much as just a necessary evil since, well, a girl's gotta eat. So then the question becomes what new project should I take on, a project that will hopefully cost little if anything.
When my last relationship ended (prior to the most recent disaster) I took on the rather auspicious task of ridding North Platte of its wine inventory and finding a newer, younger and warmer body to lay next to, which, as you can read from above, didn't work out in my favor at all. This time around I have decided to read.
I loved reading prior to attending law school and my favorite subject matter was dystopian novels. I am not sure why, considering that it was a struggle and a half just to get through Lord of the Flies when I was in high school (a book I have now read no less than a dozen times). I started this goal when the relationship started going south and in the past month I have completed The Road and Never Let Me Go. Both novels were fascinating and required a great deal of patience to get through, if for no other reason than because they were bleak and depressing, which did not do me a lot of service as I sadly cruised through the inevitable demise of an ill advised interaction with the opposite sex.
I perused the internet and came upon several lists of the top ten dystopian novels, many of which I had already read, but several that I had neither read nor heard of. My next task, Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451. I will inevitably post reviews of the two prior reading tasks but look forward to starting a new book this afternoon after leaving here and going to the library to pick it up. I will keep you posted on my progress.
To give a bit of a run down, let's just put it this way, in North Platte I am somewhat limited in my options for dating. The most recent disaster was several years my junior and while we shared a love of the stage and music, that's where our similarities ended. I have been on my own, in one form or another, for virtually the past sixteen years. He lives at home with his mom, the result of some rather questionable choices over the past two to three years. I have never been longer than a few weeks without suitable employment, he has spent, the better part of the last year working less than even part time. The list goes on and on but I am not here to disparage him, the truth is, in a lot of ways, he was the best relationship I have had in a long time, and I have to be honest, I have a feeling this heart ache will last longer than most. I am not looking forward to the days, weeks and even months that I will wander through life feeling like a total zombie and incapable of holding it all together. Right now, is a good and lucid moment.
One of the things that I find myself most likely to do in times like this is conquering new tasks and goals. I have been actively pursuing the job/career change track and have so far been somewhat unrewarded in that endeavor, however, that doesn't feel like a project taken on for me so much as just a necessary evil since, well, a girl's gotta eat. So then the question becomes what new project should I take on, a project that will hopefully cost little if anything.
When my last relationship ended (prior to the most recent disaster) I took on the rather auspicious task of ridding North Platte of its wine inventory and finding a newer, younger and warmer body to lay next to, which, as you can read from above, didn't work out in my favor at all. This time around I have decided to read.
I loved reading prior to attending law school and my favorite subject matter was dystopian novels. I am not sure why, considering that it was a struggle and a half just to get through Lord of the Flies when I was in high school (a book I have now read no less than a dozen times). I started this goal when the relationship started going south and in the past month I have completed The Road and Never Let Me Go. Both novels were fascinating and required a great deal of patience to get through, if for no other reason than because they were bleak and depressing, which did not do me a lot of service as I sadly cruised through the inevitable demise of an ill advised interaction with the opposite sex.
I perused the internet and came upon several lists of the top ten dystopian novels, many of which I had already read, but several that I had neither read nor heard of. My next task, Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451. I will inevitably post reviews of the two prior reading tasks but look forward to starting a new book this afternoon after leaving here and going to the library to pick it up. I will keep you posted on my progress.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Ten Things I Have Learned About Dating
I have always been a "late bloomer." I didn't have my first kiss until I was a sophomore in high school, and let's just say it scarred me for several years. My first real boyfriend was my senior year and to be honest, I first actual intimate relationship was when I was nineteen, and believe me it was the first in a long line of disasters.
So, it begs the question of why I would even bother to date after ten years of horrible relationships. It seems fitting that I am writing this blog almost ten years to day that I met what I can only describe as the love of my life. And when I say that, I have to admit, it's cheesy but true (I still use the guy's last name as my password on things). It's been a long ten years of dating and here is what I have learned:
10. No matter how hard you try, you cannot make someone like you for who you are. Men, in general, have an idea what they are looking for, and it is not someone who is willing to be we what they are looking for.
9. First dates are always a nightmare, no matter how much you like the guy. There is nothing more exhausting than trying to be funny, witty, intelligent and intellectual all the while trying not to spill on yourself, burp or talk with your mouth full.
8. You can date someone for a long time and never actually be attracted to them. It's not fun, but it does happen.
7. No matter how long you stare at your cellphone you cannot will it to ring. And when it does, it will inevitably be one of your friends calling to ask if he called.
6. Some men just don't appreciate the value of amazing shoes.
5. Bras are never optional on a date. I don't care what the sales girl told you. Nobody wants to see that, no matter how perky they are.
4. It is ok, occasionally, to let the guy pay for dinner. Trust me, if it's a bad date, you will be paying it back for months to come, no matter how many times you ignore his phone calls or texts.
3. Some men will admire you for your career. Others will resent you. But few will actually understand it.
2. Some of the greatest friends you will make in life are people you went on dates with and knew within fifteen minutes you would never sleep with them.
1. Dating is a lot like trying on clothes. What looks good on the rack may not always be the best fit in the dressing room. But when you find that perfect outfit, the one that minimizes your tummy, hips and thighs, and makes you feel like a million bucks, there is no cost to prohibitive to make you want it.
So, it begs the question of why I would even bother to date after ten years of horrible relationships. It seems fitting that I am writing this blog almost ten years to day that I met what I can only describe as the love of my life. And when I say that, I have to admit, it's cheesy but true (I still use the guy's last name as my password on things). It's been a long ten years of dating and here is what I have learned:
10. No matter how hard you try, you cannot make someone like you for who you are. Men, in general, have an idea what they are looking for, and it is not someone who is willing to be we what they are looking for.
9. First dates are always a nightmare, no matter how much you like the guy. There is nothing more exhausting than trying to be funny, witty, intelligent and intellectual all the while trying not to spill on yourself, burp or talk with your mouth full.
8. You can date someone for a long time and never actually be attracted to them. It's not fun, but it does happen.
7. No matter how long you stare at your cellphone you cannot will it to ring. And when it does, it will inevitably be one of your friends calling to ask if he called.
6. Some men just don't appreciate the value of amazing shoes.
5. Bras are never optional on a date. I don't care what the sales girl told you. Nobody wants to see that, no matter how perky they are.
4. It is ok, occasionally, to let the guy pay for dinner. Trust me, if it's a bad date, you will be paying it back for months to come, no matter how many times you ignore his phone calls or texts.
3. Some men will admire you for your career. Others will resent you. But few will actually understand it.
2. Some of the greatest friends you will make in life are people you went on dates with and knew within fifteen minutes you would never sleep with them.
1. Dating is a lot like trying on clothes. What looks good on the rack may not always be the best fit in the dressing room. But when you find that perfect outfit, the one that minimizes your tummy, hips and thighs, and makes you feel like a million bucks, there is no cost to prohibitive to make you want it.
Ten Things I Have Learned About Alcohol
It’s no secret to people who know me, I like to indulge in libations. A lot. Sometimes more than would be “medically recommended.” In fact, some people gaze in horror as I take out my trash which is obviously permeated with wine bottles and beer cans. I don’t grocery shop anymore, I liquor store frequent.
But, even in my older years of what can only be described as a crushing decent into substance abuse and dependence, I have managed to glean a few interesting little observations about alcohol that I try to remember every time I pop the cork:
10. Wine + anything is always a bad combination.
9. If you must drink, you are honor and duty bound to hand your cellphone to the nearest friend who won’t return it to you, no matter how annoying you become about it.
8. No one wants to hear from you when you are drunk. Especially ex boyfriends. And more especially, ex boyfriend’s new girlfriends.
7. What seems like a good idea when you are drunk is almost always an embarrassment when you are sober. When in doubt, ask yourself, if I weren’t wasted would I even consider doing this? If you can answer that question with even a barely coherent thought, congratulations, you aren’t as drunk as you think you are, but that’s still no excuse.
6. People who say they are better drivers when they are drunk, are really just missing the more important point, that they suck ass at driving when they are sober.
5. When you meet someone new and bring them home for the first time, trust me when I say this, they will catch on to the fact that you are puking if you spend more than 5 minutes in the bathroom. There’s no use in trying to keep it quiet, let it rip and pray for sympathy points.
4. If you can’t remember her name the next morning, don’t ask her how she spells her name, it’s the lamest trick in the book. And more often than not it will be something like K-a-t-e, which then just makes you look like a dumbass.
3. If every story that you have starts out with, “So I was so drunk last night....” and you are not a freshman in college, you might want to start checking out rehab centers.
2. It’s never a bad thing when the liquor store owner knows your name. He is likely to give you a discount or keep you apprised when there are specials coming up. The same cannot be said for other patrons. So in summary: Liquor store owner knows your name=good thing. Other customers know you on sight=not so much.
1. Friends are always great people, until it comes to sharing wine, in a snow storm, when you are about to be trapped for three days. When that happens, all bets are off and it’s probably a good idea to cut your ties...that bitch will never stop bringing it up ;)
But, even in my older years of what can only be described as a crushing decent into substance abuse and dependence, I have managed to glean a few interesting little observations about alcohol that I try to remember every time I pop the cork:
10. Wine + anything is always a bad combination.
9. If you must drink, you are honor and duty bound to hand your cellphone to the nearest friend who won’t return it to you, no matter how annoying you become about it.
8. No one wants to hear from you when you are drunk. Especially ex boyfriends. And more especially, ex boyfriend’s new girlfriends.
7. What seems like a good idea when you are drunk is almost always an embarrassment when you are sober. When in doubt, ask yourself, if I weren’t wasted would I even consider doing this? If you can answer that question with even a barely coherent thought, congratulations, you aren’t as drunk as you think you are, but that’s still no excuse.
6. People who say they are better drivers when they are drunk, are really just missing the more important point, that they suck ass at driving when they are sober.
5. When you meet someone new and bring them home for the first time, trust me when I say this, they will catch on to the fact that you are puking if you spend more than 5 minutes in the bathroom. There’s no use in trying to keep it quiet, let it rip and pray for sympathy points.
4. If you can’t remember her name the next morning, don’t ask her how she spells her name, it’s the lamest trick in the book. And more often than not it will be something like K-a-t-e, which then just makes you look like a dumbass.
3. If every story that you have starts out with, “So I was so drunk last night....” and you are not a freshman in college, you might want to start checking out rehab centers.
2. It’s never a bad thing when the liquor store owner knows your name. He is likely to give you a discount or keep you apprised when there are specials coming up. The same cannot be said for other patrons. So in summary: Liquor store owner knows your name=good thing. Other customers know you on sight=not so much.
1. Friends are always great people, until it comes to sharing wine, in a snow storm, when you are about to be trapped for three days. When that happens, all bets are off and it’s probably a good idea to cut your ties...that bitch will never stop bringing it up ;)
Ten Things I Have Learned About Employment
Having been at the lawyer thing for almost four years now, I often find myself getting burned out and wondering why I didn't go to medical school instead (I mean besides that minor insignificant fact that I could not pass chemistry no matter how many cappuccinos I drank before class). There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wake up in the morning and think, it would be so nice to have a wealthy husband so I could sit around all day and catch up on Rock of Love. But, since no one has paid me yet to sit around and be adorable, I have to work, and as such, I have learned a few things along the way. So without further adieu, ten things I have learned about employment since 2000.
10. Having a job is a blessing, not a curse. No matter how much I may hate my job on certain days, the alternative, being unemployed and dodging creditor phone calls, would completely suck ass.
9. No matter how good you think you are at a your job, or how indispensable you believe yourself to be, there is always someone younger, smarter, and more efficient than you are who would kill to have your job. And by kill I mean they would literally consider gutting you like a fish if not for the mess.
8. It doesn't matter how educated and sophisticated you are, nor does it matter what field you go into, the world is completely overrun with utter morons and there is a good chance you will have to deal with them on a daily basis. And since, as far as I can tell, stupidity is not justification for homicide, you may just want to learn to deal with the idiots rather than fantasize about a shooting spree that will never happen.
7. No matter what people say, the customer is not always right.
6. No matter how bad you think your job is, there is always someone out there that has it worse. Remember, someone fills the ketchup dispenser, unclogs the toilets, and artificially inseminates farm animals.
5. The more money you make, the more expensive your lifestyle becomes. Living beyond your means is not a birth rite, it's a financial cluster fuck.
4. No matter how many times you say to yourself I wish I had a job where someone paid me to do nothing, believe me when I say this, eight hours of mind numbing boredom where you are forced to entertain yourself is as enjoyable as a root canal while you have a migraine.
3. There will always be someone that you work with who is useless, shiftless, lazy and downright deplorable. He will rip off the company, lie to the bosses, fail to get even one project finished on time and will often make the most ridiculous excuses while throwing you under the bus. And more often than not, he signs your paychecks.
2. Passing the buck only works if the person you pass it to is too stupid to realize it. Otherwise, no matter how crafty you are, it always ends up back on your desk.
1. Shit rolls downhill. The lower you are on the totem pole, the more likely you are to be drenched in the stench.
10. Having a job is a blessing, not a curse. No matter how much I may hate my job on certain days, the alternative, being unemployed and dodging creditor phone calls, would completely suck ass.
9. No matter how good you think you are at a your job, or how indispensable you believe yourself to be, there is always someone younger, smarter, and more efficient than you are who would kill to have your job. And by kill I mean they would literally consider gutting you like a fish if not for the mess.
8. It doesn't matter how educated and sophisticated you are, nor does it matter what field you go into, the world is completely overrun with utter morons and there is a good chance you will have to deal with them on a daily basis. And since, as far as I can tell, stupidity is not justification for homicide, you may just want to learn to deal with the idiots rather than fantasize about a shooting spree that will never happen.
7. No matter what people say, the customer is not always right.
6. No matter how bad you think your job is, there is always someone out there that has it worse. Remember, someone fills the ketchup dispenser, unclogs the toilets, and artificially inseminates farm animals.
5. The more money you make, the more expensive your lifestyle becomes. Living beyond your means is not a birth rite, it's a financial cluster fuck.
4. No matter how many times you say to yourself I wish I had a job where someone paid me to do nothing, believe me when I say this, eight hours of mind numbing boredom where you are forced to entertain yourself is as enjoyable as a root canal while you have a migraine.
3. There will always be someone that you work with who is useless, shiftless, lazy and downright deplorable. He will rip off the company, lie to the bosses, fail to get even one project finished on time and will often make the most ridiculous excuses while throwing you under the bus. And more often than not, he signs your paychecks.
2. Passing the buck only works if the person you pass it to is too stupid to realize it. Otherwise, no matter how crafty you are, it always ends up back on your desk.
1. Shit rolls downhill. The lower you are on the totem pole, the more likely you are to be drenched in the stench.
My Top Ten Top Tens
It's been a while since I have done this and since I barely even visit my blog anymore, I decided to provide ten lists of top ten things I learned in the 00's. The lists are as follows:
10. Top ten things I learned about employment
9. Top ten things I learned about alcohol
8. Top ten things I learned about dating
7. Top ten things I learned about relationships
6. Top ten things I learned about music, movies and the arts
5. Top ten things I learned about traveling
4. Top ten things I learned about my career
3. Top ten things I learned about kids
2. Top ten things I learned about friendship
1. Top ten things I learned about myself.
As always, I will try to make them entertaining and fun to read and I hope you will find something you can relate to
10. Top ten things I learned about employment
9. Top ten things I learned about alcohol
8. Top ten things I learned about dating
7. Top ten things I learned about relationships
6. Top ten things I learned about music, movies and the arts
5. Top ten things I learned about traveling
4. Top ten things I learned about my career
3. Top ten things I learned about kids
2. Top ten things I learned about friendship
1. Top ten things I learned about myself.
As always, I will try to make them entertaining and fun to read and I hope you will find something you can relate to
Monday, July 6, 2009
The Ex-Ex problem
I am a fabulous ex-girlfriend, just ask the multitude of men I have dated. Most, although admittedly not all (there were a few years where I just brought havoc and chaos), would tell you that I am easy to talk to, fun to hang out with and overall one of the sweetest people you will ever meet. I don't hang up on drunk dials, I will talk you through horrible painful break ups and I will spend every minute I am with you making sure that you are comfortable, content and totally having a blast. I am a party in 6 inch heels who goes out of her way to make sure your current girlfriend doesn't see her as a threat.
I have the ex girlfriend thing down pat and I have had years of practice. There really isn't much room for improvement in that area. Where I suffer tremendously is in the current girlfriend category. I am a horrible girlfriend. I don't know what it is, but put me in a room full of strangers and I can light up every single conversation. I am brash and brazen and brimming with confidence. Put me in a relationship, I pretty much become a neurotic shell of my former self. I am insecure and clingy and god knows that I am bitchy, moody and take everything as a personal slight. My exes tell me on a regular basis, and I quote, "I wish you were this cool when we were going out."
And herein lies the problem. I met someone 4 months ago and I fell hard. I have, over the past four months put up with his incessant need to break up with me daily, his inability to commit to anything that even looks remotely like a relationship, his refusal to introduce me to friends or family, and his utter lack of anything even close to compassion when I make a mistake or need a shoulder to cry on. He is, in short, every asshole guy I have worked years to stay away from. And to his credit, he doesn't mean to be, he's just not that into me. He's told me. On a number of occasions. In absolutely no uncertain terms. And yet, I continue to try to make things work, only to find myself repeatedly and utterly destroyed.
So this morning, as I was leaving his place to make the hour drive back to North Platte for work, I decided to end it. I didn't even do it in a classy way. I did it by text message. No explanation, no attempt to convince him otherwise, just boom, bang and it's done. In my defense, this is one text break up to literally 10 or more from him. I feel liberated and happy. But give me an hour I will feel like shit.
And this is the part I don't get. When I was in my twenties I had so much confidence, so much belief in myself that I never dated anyone who was a prick. Ok, I dated obnoxious guys that my friends didn't like, but they were always incredibly nice to me, which lets face it, was really the standard I was looking for, because friends will be your friends no matter how much of a douche your boyfriend is. But overall, they were nice guys. And there was no way I would have stayed with them if they weren't.
So why is that now, in my 30's, I am willing to sacrifice all those things that I found so important in my twenties? Why am I substituting financial security and education for someone who truly makes me laugh and tells me I'm beautiful? Why do I spend all of this energy on relationships with emotionally unavailable men when there are so many other men I come into contact with who would walk through fire before they ever hurt me? Well, quite frankly, I blame alcohol. And Katherine Heigel. I don't know yet how she's at fault, but she seems to be at fault for a lot of things these days, and she is every stupid and insipid romantic comedy out there, so I think I am on to something here. Oh wait did I say onto something? I think I meant on something....
I have the ex girlfriend thing down pat and I have had years of practice. There really isn't much room for improvement in that area. Where I suffer tremendously is in the current girlfriend category. I am a horrible girlfriend. I don't know what it is, but put me in a room full of strangers and I can light up every single conversation. I am brash and brazen and brimming with confidence. Put me in a relationship, I pretty much become a neurotic shell of my former self. I am insecure and clingy and god knows that I am bitchy, moody and take everything as a personal slight. My exes tell me on a regular basis, and I quote, "I wish you were this cool when we were going out."
And herein lies the problem. I met someone 4 months ago and I fell hard. I have, over the past four months put up with his incessant need to break up with me daily, his inability to commit to anything that even looks remotely like a relationship, his refusal to introduce me to friends or family, and his utter lack of anything even close to compassion when I make a mistake or need a shoulder to cry on. He is, in short, every asshole guy I have worked years to stay away from. And to his credit, he doesn't mean to be, he's just not that into me. He's told me. On a number of occasions. In absolutely no uncertain terms. And yet, I continue to try to make things work, only to find myself repeatedly and utterly destroyed.
So this morning, as I was leaving his place to make the hour drive back to North Platte for work, I decided to end it. I didn't even do it in a classy way. I did it by text message. No explanation, no attempt to convince him otherwise, just boom, bang and it's done. In my defense, this is one text break up to literally 10 or more from him. I feel liberated and happy. But give me an hour I will feel like shit.
And this is the part I don't get. When I was in my twenties I had so much confidence, so much belief in myself that I never dated anyone who was a prick. Ok, I dated obnoxious guys that my friends didn't like, but they were always incredibly nice to me, which lets face it, was really the standard I was looking for, because friends will be your friends no matter how much of a douche your boyfriend is. But overall, they were nice guys. And there was no way I would have stayed with them if they weren't.
So why is that now, in my 30's, I am willing to sacrifice all those things that I found so important in my twenties? Why am I substituting financial security and education for someone who truly makes me laugh and tells me I'm beautiful? Why do I spend all of this energy on relationships with emotionally unavailable men when there are so many other men I come into contact with who would walk through fire before they ever hurt me? Well, quite frankly, I blame alcohol. And Katherine Heigel. I don't know yet how she's at fault, but she seems to be at fault for a lot of things these days, and she is every stupid and insipid romantic comedy out there, so I think I am on to something here. Oh wait did I say onto something? I think I meant on something....
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