Ten Things I Have Learned About Alcohol

It’s no secret to people who know me, I like to indulge in libations. A lot. Sometimes more than would be “medically recommended.” In fact, some people gaze in horror as I take out my trash which is obviously permeated with wine bottles and beer cans. I don’t grocery shop anymore, I liquor store frequent.

But, even in my older years of what can only be described as a crushing decent into substance abuse and dependence, I have managed to glean a few interesting little observations about alcohol that I try to remember every time I pop the cork:

10. Wine + anything is always a bad combination.

9. If you must drink, you are honor and duty bound to hand your cellphone to the nearest friend who won’t return it to you, no matter how annoying you become about it.

8. No one wants to hear from you when you are drunk. Especially ex boyfriends. And more especially, ex boyfriend’s new girlfriends.

7. What seems like a good idea when you are drunk is almost always an embarrassment when you are sober. When in doubt, ask yourself, if I weren’t wasted would I even consider doing this? If you can answer that question with even a barely coherent thought, congratulations, you aren’t as drunk as you think you are, but that’s still no excuse.

6. People who say they are better drivers when they are drunk, are really just missing the more important point, that they suck ass at driving when they are sober.

5. When you meet someone new and bring them home for the first time, trust me when I say this, they will catch on to the fact that you are puking if you spend more than 5 minutes in the bathroom. There’s no use in trying to keep it quiet, let it rip and pray for sympathy points.

4. If you can’t remember her name the next morning, don’t ask her how she spells her name, it’s the lamest trick in the book. And more often than not it will be something like K-a-t-e, which then just makes you look like a dumbass.

3. If every story that you have starts out with, “So I was so drunk last night....” and you are not a freshman in college, you might want to start checking out rehab centers.

2. It’s never a bad thing when the liquor store owner knows your name. He is likely to give you a discount or keep you apprised when there are specials coming up. The same cannot be said for other patrons. So in summary: Liquor store owner knows your name=good thing. Other customers know you on sight=not so much.

1. Friends are always great people, until it comes to sharing wine, in a snow storm, when you are about to be trapped for three days. When that happens, all bets are off and it’s probably a good idea to cut your ties...that bitch will never stop bringing it up ;)