I have always been a "late bloomer." I didn't have my first kiss until I was a sophomore in high school, and let's just say it scarred me for several years. My first real boyfriend was my senior year and to be honest, I first actual intimate relationship was when I was nineteen, and believe me it was the first in a long line of disasters.
So, it begs the question of why I would even bother to date after ten years of horrible relationships. It seems fitting that I am writing this blog almost ten years to day that I met what I can only describe as the love of my life. And when I say that, I have to admit, it's cheesy but true (I still use the guy's last name as my password on things). It's been a long ten years of dating and here is what I have learned:
10. No matter how hard you try, you cannot make someone like you for who you are. Men, in general, have an idea what they are looking for, and it is not someone who is willing to be we what they are looking for.
9. First dates are always a nightmare, no matter how much you like the guy. There is nothing more exhausting than trying to be funny, witty, intelligent and intellectual all the while trying not to spill on yourself, burp or talk with your mouth full.
8. You can date someone for a long time and never actually be attracted to them. It's not fun, but it does happen.
7. No matter how long you stare at your cellphone you cannot will it to ring. And when it does, it will inevitably be one of your friends calling to ask if he called.
6. Some men just don't appreciate the value of amazing shoes.
5. Bras are never optional on a date. I don't care what the sales girl told you. Nobody wants to see that, no matter how perky they are.
4. It is ok, occasionally, to let the guy pay for dinner. Trust me, if it's a bad date, you will be paying it back for months to come, no matter how many times you ignore his phone calls or texts.
3. Some men will admire you for your career. Others will resent you. But few will actually understand it.
2. Some of the greatest friends you will make in life are people you went on dates with and knew within fifteen minutes you would never sleep with them.
1. Dating is a lot like trying on clothes. What looks good on the rack may not always be the best fit in the dressing room. But when you find that perfect outfit, the one that minimizes your tummy, hips and thighs, and makes you feel like a million bucks, there is no cost to prohibitive to make you want it.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Ten Things I Have Learned About Alcohol
It’s no secret to people who know me, I like to indulge in libations. A lot. Sometimes more than would be “medically recommended.” In fact, some people gaze in horror as I take out my trash which is obviously permeated with wine bottles and beer cans. I don’t grocery shop anymore, I liquor store frequent.
But, even in my older years of what can only be described as a crushing decent into substance abuse and dependence, I have managed to glean a few interesting little observations about alcohol that I try to remember every time I pop the cork:
10. Wine + anything is always a bad combination.
9. If you must drink, you are honor and duty bound to hand your cellphone to the nearest friend who won’t return it to you, no matter how annoying you become about it.
8. No one wants to hear from you when you are drunk. Especially ex boyfriends. And more especially, ex boyfriend’s new girlfriends.
7. What seems like a good idea when you are drunk is almost always an embarrassment when you are sober. When in doubt, ask yourself, if I weren’t wasted would I even consider doing this? If you can answer that question with even a barely coherent thought, congratulations, you aren’t as drunk as you think you are, but that’s still no excuse.
6. People who say they are better drivers when they are drunk, are really just missing the more important point, that they suck ass at driving when they are sober.
5. When you meet someone new and bring them home for the first time, trust me when I say this, they will catch on to the fact that you are puking if you spend more than 5 minutes in the bathroom. There’s no use in trying to keep it quiet, let it rip and pray for sympathy points.
4. If you can’t remember her name the next morning, don’t ask her how she spells her name, it’s the lamest trick in the book. And more often than not it will be something like K-a-t-e, which then just makes you look like a dumbass.
3. If every story that you have starts out with, “So I was so drunk last night....” and you are not a freshman in college, you might want to start checking out rehab centers.
2. It’s never a bad thing when the liquor store owner knows your name. He is likely to give you a discount or keep you apprised when there are specials coming up. The same cannot be said for other patrons. So in summary: Liquor store owner knows your name=good thing. Other customers know you on sight=not so much.
1. Friends are always great people, until it comes to sharing wine, in a snow storm, when you are about to be trapped for three days. When that happens, all bets are off and it’s probably a good idea to cut your ties...that bitch will never stop bringing it up ;)
But, even in my older years of what can only be described as a crushing decent into substance abuse and dependence, I have managed to glean a few interesting little observations about alcohol that I try to remember every time I pop the cork:
10. Wine + anything is always a bad combination.
9. If you must drink, you are honor and duty bound to hand your cellphone to the nearest friend who won’t return it to you, no matter how annoying you become about it.
8. No one wants to hear from you when you are drunk. Especially ex boyfriends. And more especially, ex boyfriend’s new girlfriends.
7. What seems like a good idea when you are drunk is almost always an embarrassment when you are sober. When in doubt, ask yourself, if I weren’t wasted would I even consider doing this? If you can answer that question with even a barely coherent thought, congratulations, you aren’t as drunk as you think you are, but that’s still no excuse.
6. People who say they are better drivers when they are drunk, are really just missing the more important point, that they suck ass at driving when they are sober.
5. When you meet someone new and bring them home for the first time, trust me when I say this, they will catch on to the fact that you are puking if you spend more than 5 minutes in the bathroom. There’s no use in trying to keep it quiet, let it rip and pray for sympathy points.
4. If you can’t remember her name the next morning, don’t ask her how she spells her name, it’s the lamest trick in the book. And more often than not it will be something like K-a-t-e, which then just makes you look like a dumbass.
3. If every story that you have starts out with, “So I was so drunk last night....” and you are not a freshman in college, you might want to start checking out rehab centers.
2. It’s never a bad thing when the liquor store owner knows your name. He is likely to give you a discount or keep you apprised when there are specials coming up. The same cannot be said for other patrons. So in summary: Liquor store owner knows your name=good thing. Other customers know you on sight=not so much.
1. Friends are always great people, until it comes to sharing wine, in a snow storm, when you are about to be trapped for three days. When that happens, all bets are off and it’s probably a good idea to cut your ties...that bitch will never stop bringing it up ;)
Ten Things I Have Learned About Employment
Having been at the lawyer thing for almost four years now, I often find myself getting burned out and wondering why I didn't go to medical school instead (I mean besides that minor insignificant fact that I could not pass chemistry no matter how many cappuccinos I drank before class). There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wake up in the morning and think, it would be so nice to have a wealthy husband so I could sit around all day and catch up on Rock of Love. But, since no one has paid me yet to sit around and be adorable, I have to work, and as such, I have learned a few things along the way. So without further adieu, ten things I have learned about employment since 2000.
10. Having a job is a blessing, not a curse. No matter how much I may hate my job on certain days, the alternative, being unemployed and dodging creditor phone calls, would completely suck ass.
9. No matter how good you think you are at a your job, or how indispensable you believe yourself to be, there is always someone younger, smarter, and more efficient than you are who would kill to have your job. And by kill I mean they would literally consider gutting you like a fish if not for the mess.
8. It doesn't matter how educated and sophisticated you are, nor does it matter what field you go into, the world is completely overrun with utter morons and there is a good chance you will have to deal with them on a daily basis. And since, as far as I can tell, stupidity is not justification for homicide, you may just want to learn to deal with the idiots rather than fantasize about a shooting spree that will never happen.
7. No matter what people say, the customer is not always right.
6. No matter how bad you think your job is, there is always someone out there that has it worse. Remember, someone fills the ketchup dispenser, unclogs the toilets, and artificially inseminates farm animals.
5. The more money you make, the more expensive your lifestyle becomes. Living beyond your means is not a birth rite, it's a financial cluster fuck.
4. No matter how many times you say to yourself I wish I had a job where someone paid me to do nothing, believe me when I say this, eight hours of mind numbing boredom where you are forced to entertain yourself is as enjoyable as a root canal while you have a migraine.
3. There will always be someone that you work with who is useless, shiftless, lazy and downright deplorable. He will rip off the company, lie to the bosses, fail to get even one project finished on time and will often make the most ridiculous excuses while throwing you under the bus. And more often than not, he signs your paychecks.
2. Passing the buck only works if the person you pass it to is too stupid to realize it. Otherwise, no matter how crafty you are, it always ends up back on your desk.
1. Shit rolls downhill. The lower you are on the totem pole, the more likely you are to be drenched in the stench.
10. Having a job is a blessing, not a curse. No matter how much I may hate my job on certain days, the alternative, being unemployed and dodging creditor phone calls, would completely suck ass.
9. No matter how good you think you are at a your job, or how indispensable you believe yourself to be, there is always someone younger, smarter, and more efficient than you are who would kill to have your job. And by kill I mean they would literally consider gutting you like a fish if not for the mess.
8. It doesn't matter how educated and sophisticated you are, nor does it matter what field you go into, the world is completely overrun with utter morons and there is a good chance you will have to deal with them on a daily basis. And since, as far as I can tell, stupidity is not justification for homicide, you may just want to learn to deal with the idiots rather than fantasize about a shooting spree that will never happen.
7. No matter what people say, the customer is not always right.
6. No matter how bad you think your job is, there is always someone out there that has it worse. Remember, someone fills the ketchup dispenser, unclogs the toilets, and artificially inseminates farm animals.
5. The more money you make, the more expensive your lifestyle becomes. Living beyond your means is not a birth rite, it's a financial cluster fuck.
4. No matter how many times you say to yourself I wish I had a job where someone paid me to do nothing, believe me when I say this, eight hours of mind numbing boredom where you are forced to entertain yourself is as enjoyable as a root canal while you have a migraine.
3. There will always be someone that you work with who is useless, shiftless, lazy and downright deplorable. He will rip off the company, lie to the bosses, fail to get even one project finished on time and will often make the most ridiculous excuses while throwing you under the bus. And more often than not, he signs your paychecks.
2. Passing the buck only works if the person you pass it to is too stupid to realize it. Otherwise, no matter how crafty you are, it always ends up back on your desk.
1. Shit rolls downhill. The lower you are on the totem pole, the more likely you are to be drenched in the stench.
My Top Ten Top Tens
It's been a while since I have done this and since I barely even visit my blog anymore, I decided to provide ten lists of top ten things I learned in the 00's. The lists are as follows:
10. Top ten things I learned about employment
9. Top ten things I learned about alcohol
8. Top ten things I learned about dating
7. Top ten things I learned about relationships
6. Top ten things I learned about music, movies and the arts
5. Top ten things I learned about traveling
4. Top ten things I learned about my career
3. Top ten things I learned about kids
2. Top ten things I learned about friendship
1. Top ten things I learned about myself.
As always, I will try to make them entertaining and fun to read and I hope you will find something you can relate to
10. Top ten things I learned about employment
9. Top ten things I learned about alcohol
8. Top ten things I learned about dating
7. Top ten things I learned about relationships
6. Top ten things I learned about music, movies and the arts
5. Top ten things I learned about traveling
4. Top ten things I learned about my career
3. Top ten things I learned about kids
2. Top ten things I learned about friendship
1. Top ten things I learned about myself.
As always, I will try to make them entertaining and fun to read and I hope you will find something you can relate to
Monday, July 6, 2009
The Ex-Ex problem
I am a fabulous ex-girlfriend, just ask the multitude of men I have dated. Most, although admittedly not all (there were a few years where I just brought havoc and chaos), would tell you that I am easy to talk to, fun to hang out with and overall one of the sweetest people you will ever meet. I don't hang up on drunk dials, I will talk you through horrible painful break ups and I will spend every minute I am with you making sure that you are comfortable, content and totally having a blast. I am a party in 6 inch heels who goes out of her way to make sure your current girlfriend doesn't see her as a threat.
I have the ex girlfriend thing down pat and I have had years of practice. There really isn't much room for improvement in that area. Where I suffer tremendously is in the current girlfriend category. I am a horrible girlfriend. I don't know what it is, but put me in a room full of strangers and I can light up every single conversation. I am brash and brazen and brimming with confidence. Put me in a relationship, I pretty much become a neurotic shell of my former self. I am insecure and clingy and god knows that I am bitchy, moody and take everything as a personal slight. My exes tell me on a regular basis, and I quote, "I wish you were this cool when we were going out."
And herein lies the problem. I met someone 4 months ago and I fell hard. I have, over the past four months put up with his incessant need to break up with me daily, his inability to commit to anything that even looks remotely like a relationship, his refusal to introduce me to friends or family, and his utter lack of anything even close to compassion when I make a mistake or need a shoulder to cry on. He is, in short, every asshole guy I have worked years to stay away from. And to his credit, he doesn't mean to be, he's just not that into me. He's told me. On a number of occasions. In absolutely no uncertain terms. And yet, I continue to try to make things work, only to find myself repeatedly and utterly destroyed.
So this morning, as I was leaving his place to make the hour drive back to North Platte for work, I decided to end it. I didn't even do it in a classy way. I did it by text message. No explanation, no attempt to convince him otherwise, just boom, bang and it's done. In my defense, this is one text break up to literally 10 or more from him. I feel liberated and happy. But give me an hour I will feel like shit.
And this is the part I don't get. When I was in my twenties I had so much confidence, so much belief in myself that I never dated anyone who was a prick. Ok, I dated obnoxious guys that my friends didn't like, but they were always incredibly nice to me, which lets face it, was really the standard I was looking for, because friends will be your friends no matter how much of a douche your boyfriend is. But overall, they were nice guys. And there was no way I would have stayed with them if they weren't.
So why is that now, in my 30's, I am willing to sacrifice all those things that I found so important in my twenties? Why am I substituting financial security and education for someone who truly makes me laugh and tells me I'm beautiful? Why do I spend all of this energy on relationships with emotionally unavailable men when there are so many other men I come into contact with who would walk through fire before they ever hurt me? Well, quite frankly, I blame alcohol. And Katherine Heigel. I don't know yet how she's at fault, but she seems to be at fault for a lot of things these days, and she is every stupid and insipid romantic comedy out there, so I think I am on to something here. Oh wait did I say onto something? I think I meant on something....
I have the ex girlfriend thing down pat and I have had years of practice. There really isn't much room for improvement in that area. Where I suffer tremendously is in the current girlfriend category. I am a horrible girlfriend. I don't know what it is, but put me in a room full of strangers and I can light up every single conversation. I am brash and brazen and brimming with confidence. Put me in a relationship, I pretty much become a neurotic shell of my former self. I am insecure and clingy and god knows that I am bitchy, moody and take everything as a personal slight. My exes tell me on a regular basis, and I quote, "I wish you were this cool when we were going out."
And herein lies the problem. I met someone 4 months ago and I fell hard. I have, over the past four months put up with his incessant need to break up with me daily, his inability to commit to anything that even looks remotely like a relationship, his refusal to introduce me to friends or family, and his utter lack of anything even close to compassion when I make a mistake or need a shoulder to cry on. He is, in short, every asshole guy I have worked years to stay away from. And to his credit, he doesn't mean to be, he's just not that into me. He's told me. On a number of occasions. In absolutely no uncertain terms. And yet, I continue to try to make things work, only to find myself repeatedly and utterly destroyed.
So this morning, as I was leaving his place to make the hour drive back to North Platte for work, I decided to end it. I didn't even do it in a classy way. I did it by text message. No explanation, no attempt to convince him otherwise, just boom, bang and it's done. In my defense, this is one text break up to literally 10 or more from him. I feel liberated and happy. But give me an hour I will feel like shit.
And this is the part I don't get. When I was in my twenties I had so much confidence, so much belief in myself that I never dated anyone who was a prick. Ok, I dated obnoxious guys that my friends didn't like, but they were always incredibly nice to me, which lets face it, was really the standard I was looking for, because friends will be your friends no matter how much of a douche your boyfriend is. But overall, they were nice guys. And there was no way I would have stayed with them if they weren't.
So why is that now, in my 30's, I am willing to sacrifice all those things that I found so important in my twenties? Why am I substituting financial security and education for someone who truly makes me laugh and tells me I'm beautiful? Why do I spend all of this energy on relationships with emotionally unavailable men when there are so many other men I come into contact with who would walk through fire before they ever hurt me? Well, quite frankly, I blame alcohol. And Katherine Heigel. I don't know yet how she's at fault, but she seems to be at fault for a lot of things these days, and she is every stupid and insipid romantic comedy out there, so I think I am on to something here. Oh wait did I say onto something? I think I meant on something....
Friday, June 26, 2009
The weirdness of life
Today I decided to take a different tack with my Rhapsody account. Instead of searching in vain for one or two songs I could be bothered to listen to and instead decided to focus on an entire genre. It started with Frank Sinatra and before I knew it, I had progressed from Frankie to Dean-o and I write this I am sort of swooning to a combo Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong duet album. I can actually see myself in one of those old A line dresses from the 1940's with my finger waved hair and delicate little white gloves as I swayed to the music on the front veranda of my southern home.
I don't know what it is about music, but I have always loved the smooth era of jazz, big band and velvet ballads. If you toss aside the race issues, crushing poverty, extreme levels of domestic violence and the overall boring lives of women, I could totally see myself living in the forties.
I don't know why that is, I consider myself to be quite the feminist but there is something about those simpler times that reminds me that in today's constant immediate communication, we have lost some of our mystique, some of the romance that a relationship used to entail, and instead we settle for this belief that marriage or long term relationships must be about drama and difficulty, something to get over.
I will tell you what I want, if I ever get married. I want someone who dances in the living room with me, serves me mint juleps in the winter, reminds me that he thinks I'm beautiful, and now and then greets me with the old fashioned, "Honey I'm home." However, I think I will only ever get that from movies, because let's be honest, if my husband actually did that, I would probably hit him with my feminist frying pan. But a girl can dream right?
I don't know what it is about music, but I have always loved the smooth era of jazz, big band and velvet ballads. If you toss aside the race issues, crushing poverty, extreme levels of domestic violence and the overall boring lives of women, I could totally see myself living in the forties.
I don't know why that is, I consider myself to be quite the feminist but there is something about those simpler times that reminds me that in today's constant immediate communication, we have lost some of our mystique, some of the romance that a relationship used to entail, and instead we settle for this belief that marriage or long term relationships must be about drama and difficulty, something to get over.
I will tell you what I want, if I ever get married. I want someone who dances in the living room with me, serves me mint juleps in the winter, reminds me that he thinks I'm beautiful, and now and then greets me with the old fashioned, "Honey I'm home." However, I think I will only ever get that from movies, because let's be honest, if my husband actually did that, I would probably hit him with my feminist frying pan. But a girl can dream right?
Thursday, May 28, 2009
This blog is about neither.
I started blogging about two years ago on my Myspace page, mostly as an opportunity to update friends and family on the major changes and advances in my life and career. It quickly devolved into long winded rants and missives about my life as a twosome, a onesome, a lonesome and a generally frustrated human being. What started out as a blog that maybe two or three people read, soon began to be read by more and more friends. I would try to mix it up, put in interesting tidbits about my job, or talk about my love life. I would sometimes go months without writing anything and others I would write two or three times a day (mostly when the bosses were on vacation).
I quickly realized that Facebook is the new Myspace, and to be honest I don't have the patience to learn how to post notes on Facebook. Actually, it doesn't even have anything to do with patience, it has everything to do with just being lazy and uninspired.
About a week ago, my on again, off again and I decided we were finally off. Actually to say we decided it, well, that is the understatement of the century. He decided and I just shrugged thinking he would be back. He always came back. But not so much this time.
And that's part of the reason why I started this blog in the first place. Not just because I still like writing and having people read my nonsensical rants about all the things I encounter on a day to day basis, but also because what better accessories could you name for the spinster? And while my friends would work very hard to convince me that I am not a spinster, and not going to be one, I have to admit, I am starting to have my doubts. So whether you are a friend who is reading my blog out of pity or a random stranger who accidentally stumbled here after googling bizarre anime porn, welcome.
I quickly realized that Facebook is the new Myspace, and to be honest I don't have the patience to learn how to post notes on Facebook. Actually, it doesn't even have anything to do with patience, it has everything to do with just being lazy and uninspired.
About a week ago, my on again, off again and I decided we were finally off. Actually to say we decided it, well, that is the understatement of the century. He decided and I just shrugged thinking he would be back. He always came back. But not so much this time.
And that's part of the reason why I started this blog in the first place. Not just because I still like writing and having people read my nonsensical rants about all the things I encounter on a day to day basis, but also because what better accessories could you name for the spinster? And while my friends would work very hard to convince me that I am not a spinster, and not going to be one, I have to admit, I am starting to have my doubts. So whether you are a friend who is reading my blog out of pity or a random stranger who accidentally stumbled here after googling bizarre anime porn, welcome.
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