Thursday, December 31, 2009

Ten Things I Have Learned About Employment

Having been at the lawyer thing for almost four years now, I often find myself getting burned out and wondering why I didn't go to medical school instead (I mean besides that minor insignificant fact that I could not pass chemistry no matter how many cappuccinos I drank before class). There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wake up in the morning and think, it would be so nice to have a wealthy husband so I could sit around all day and catch up on Rock of Love. But, since no one has paid me yet to sit around and be adorable, I have to work, and as such, I have learned a few things along the way. So without further adieu, ten things I have learned about employment since 2000.

10. Having a job is a blessing, not a curse. No matter how much I may hate my job on certain days, the alternative, being unemployed and dodging creditor phone calls, would completely suck ass.

9. No matter how good you think you are at a your job, or how indispensable you believe yourself to be, there is always someone younger, smarter, and more efficient than you are who would kill to have your job. And by kill I mean they would literally consider gutting you like a fish if not for the mess.

8. It doesn't matter how educated and sophisticated you are, nor does it matter what field you go into, the world is completely overrun with utter morons and there is a good chance you will have to deal with them on a daily basis. And since, as far as I can tell, stupidity is not justification for homicide, you may just want to learn to deal with the idiots rather than fantasize about a shooting spree that will never happen.

7. No matter what people say, the customer is not always right.

6. No matter how bad you think your job is, there is always someone out there that has it worse. Remember, someone fills the ketchup dispenser, unclogs the toilets, and artificially inseminates farm animals.

5. The more money you make, the more expensive your lifestyle becomes. Living beyond your means is not a birth rite, it's a financial cluster fuck.

4. No matter how many times you say to yourself I wish I had a job where someone paid me to do nothing, believe me when I say this, eight hours of mind numbing boredom where you are forced to entertain yourself is as enjoyable as a root canal while you have a migraine.

3. There will always be someone that you work with who is useless, shiftless, lazy and downright deplorable. He will rip off the company, lie to the bosses, fail to get even one project finished on time and will often make the most ridiculous excuses while throwing you under the bus. And more often than not, he signs your paychecks.

2. Passing the buck only works if the person you pass it to is too stupid to realize it. Otherwise, no matter how crafty you are, it always ends up back on your desk.

1. Shit rolls downhill. The lower you are on the totem pole, the more likely you are to be drenched in the stench.

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